Merry Hanukah. Your friendly neighborhood, Deadpool here. Yeah, I know. You were expecting that nitpicky son of a b%&## Trevor to review my movie. Well, I fixed that for you. Today, I will speak to you about it myself. As for Mr. Pacelli: I chained him to a massage chair with his eyes pried open like in A Clockwork Orange. He is currently watching an infinite loop of my movie, so that he can come to his senses as to why I deserve not a D, but a freaking A plus. Now, I shall tell you exactly why my Golden Globe nominated movie is better than that boring star-studded piece of a$$ La La Land.
So, let’s get it started with the title credits, the one where you see me giving a nut shot to some poor c%@* in a car. I throw some irony at you that explains everything about who I am and what I live for: That slow Juice Newton pop song, “Angel of the Morning” plays over credits that tell the truth about the a%%^)#@( in charge of my movie. Yeah, eat your f$(#&%$ heart out Tobey Maguire.
*sips egg nog*
So now, bla, bla, bla, plot summary, plot summary, the one part in movie reviews everyone skips because they’ve already seen the movie and are just here to find an intelligent mind to insult.
As for the movie, I give Quentin Tarantino and Mel Gibson boners with how much I make my enemies bleed. I grope strangers on the street as I pass them by, and I slip sexual innuendos in everyday situation (no, I don’t care if I’m talking to your kid). If Trevor were here, he’d f*&$)@* destroy me for being the worst possible role model for you gun-happy Americans. But you know what? I don’t give a s%*@!
Don’t I just sound amazing to you? Does hearing the way that the surprisingly inexperienced director Tim Miller brought me to life just blow you harder than your ex did? So let me just say, get ready to bring tissues, particularly if you’re a boy. Seeing my case of terminal cancer will make you cry harder than Ben Affleck after Batman v. Superman came out, and after I get mutated for a cure to my cancer, it’ll be like 911 all over again! Ha, yeah, I know offensive humor. It’s my shtick. You can either laugh at it or get the f*#& out.
So now my face looks like Kim Kardashian farted on a kumquat, and no girl will ever love me, not even that fiancé of mine (name’s not important) who makes a living out of hooking up with dudes. So basically, we montage, we screw, and she wants to leave me after I leave her. Yada, yada, usual MCU romance.
My small little world of rubbery CGI is made up of only a couple of people I choose to let live, such as those X-Men d&$(heads Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead. They’re just all, “Be an X-men! Be an X-men!” Hello? Have you seen what they did to me in X-Men Origins Wolverine? I am never trusting those cash cows with any g^%&*(# contract again. I live for myself, and that’s the right kind of philosophy to stir my jizz.
Oh, hang on. A f*&^ was just given by Trevor. He wanted me to tell you how horrible the villain is, being a badly acted British stereotype. My a$$. My movie did the same British villain trick that was subliminally done by Disney for years, except I did it better.
What’s that Trevor? You don’t like how the Black blind woman is literally my punching bag? You don’t like how the taxi driver is just there to make fun of Muslims? Well, you can go suck an elephant’s c%@*. I say, we better give roles to those minorities before Trump does fascist things to them!
Now, I’m sweet talking you into this: buy my movie on Blu-ray for all you eighteen and older families to enjoy this holiday. Learn a little about a guy who tells it like it is. Learn not to make the same mistakes I made. Do something productive with yourselves.
Well, now, I’ve got to stop. Whatevs. At least now I can stop getting f^$*#(% censored for my f^$*#(% cursing. Bon voyage.
If there is a specific movie you’d like to see graded, or if you are interested in guest blogging for my site, please email me at Trevor@TrevorsViewOnHollywood.com for your recommendations.
Have a great weekend, and happy watching!
Deadpool: Character Evolution. Comic Vine. CBS Interactive, 11 Feb 2016. Web. <http://comicvine.gamespot.com/deadpool/4005-7606/>.
Iron Entertainment. Deadpool Christmas Teaser Trailer Breakdown - 12 Days of Deadpool. Digital image. Youtube, Web. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNuHv3yLjUU>.
What are Your Deadpool Comics Worth? Sell My Comic Books. Google. Web. <http://www.sellmycomicbooks.com/deadpool-comics.html>.